In the past, many people have conducted experiments either to invent something or to satiate their own curiosity. Some people who have been great inventors in the past were laughed at while performing various and sundry experiments. For example, there was Thomas Fulton, Thomas Edison, and Alexander Bell. Oh, and let us not forget Bouge Shinhaw.  I don't know if he ever invented anything, but they sure laughed at him. As most other people, I have done my share of attempting to invent things, but in most respects have met with utter failure. The latest of my "invention" attempts is making up recipes. So far, all of them have turned out to be major disasters. As a matter of fact, even most recipes I've obtained from cookbooks have turned out disastrous as well. This is no doubt the result of a major conspiracy hatched by Betty Crocker, the Pillsbury Doughboy, and other fellow travelers.

 

As a typical kid, I tried to do all kinds of experimental things. Like all young boys, I too tried to "fly" like Superman. In all my attempts I just couldn't fly, even with a cape. The one exception was when I was off my medication. Well, at least I thought I flew. I'm not sure since apparently no one saw me; at least they never mentioned to me that they saw me fly. Of course, I did this at night so that would account for the lack of witnesses.

 

Of the countless examples of my past experiments gone wrong, I shall give just a few additional examples. If I were to list all the examples, it would quickly exceed the Internet server capacity. One of our teachers in high school was Mr. Kaltenbach. The ironic thing about him was that he had a German last name, but taught Spanish. That always struck me as very paradoxical. I never studied any foreign languages until after High School, therefore; I had very little interaction with Mr. Kaltenbach. One day I was standing around in the school library and Mr. Kaltenbach ambled in holding an egg. He demonstrated the engineering wonders of the structural strength of an arch by holding the egg lengthwise between his hands and pushing his palms as hard as he could against the ends of the egg. (See the photo below for the proper technique of how the egg was to be held.) We were all waiting for the egg to shatter in his hands. It never did. He asked for a volunteer to try it. Of course, I stepped up. I positioned the egg exactly as he demonstrated and started to squeeze. Well, of course you all know what happened. The egg exploded in my hands and went all over me and the floor of the library. He then laughed and said, "This is yearbook material!" At that point I thought, "Yeah, this is yearbook material alright, the first assault of a teacher by a Berlin Hts. high school student!" To this day I have been seeking the answers to this mystery by asking myself two questions; "Was he just playing a practical joke?" and "Why would a Spanish teacher instead of a science teacher be doing this sort of experiment in the first place? Whatever the explanation, it was certainly an experiment gone wrong!

 

When we were kids, Tim and I had a chemistry set. We used to mix all kinds of chemicals together in hope of a new discovery, such as immortality or some such miracle. One time we mixed just about every chemical in the set and ended up with a blackish blue concoction. We emptied the test tube contents on the concrete slab in front of the porch to see what reaction would ensue. Nothing happened, it just laid there. However, it made a dark stain that was there for years. If nothing else, we discovered a dye that was practically immortal. It may still be there which has been over 40 years ago.  I'll have to amble over and look at it when the snow and ice melt. I'll let you know of the results of my observation when I submit an article to the Scientific American Magazine.

 

Among other such experiments Tim and I did as kids, was to substitute pencil shavings for tobacco in a pipe. To make a long story short, based on our scientific findings, I would not advise it! Alas, another experiment gone wrong!

 

In Mr. Sanders' biology class, we were doing some kind of an experiment that involved heating a crushed mixture of soda crackers and water. I cannot recall the rationale for this or what we were trying to prove. Tim apparently left the test tube over the Bunsen burner too long because it exploded and the contents spewed all over the biology lab room ceiling. The stain was still there when we graduated. It may still be there! Just as the egg stain in the library, I can still recall the exact location where both stains were. As people who read these stories already know, I have a photographic memory, but as I get older, I'm having much trouble trying to find the film to fit it! As a matter of fact, the only kind of film that still fits is Polaroid, which would explain why my short term memory only lasts about a minute these days. I have always thought people have always been jealous of my photographic memory because of all the "negative" reactions I've always gotten. (Alright Alright, that one just slipped out.) Now I will get back to "developing" the subject of this story in a "snap". (I'm trying to contain myself, but it's bigger than me. A lesser man would give up, but not me! J )

 

Not all of my youthful pragmatic experiments resulted in failure. As a matter of fact, some of them resulted in great discoveries that benefited mankind. One of the greatest discoveries I found in my kid years was that if you light the end of an uncooked piece of spaghetti with a match, it will burn like a fuse, only slower. Give it a try and you will be amazed! I call this discovery "The Spaghetti Ready Cruise Fuse Night Light Syndrome".  

 

Well, I could ramble on and on, but I must return to my experiments. Life long, most of my time has been spent on finding a cure that will give me mental stability since the team of Psychiatrists assigned to my case has thus far been unable to accomplish. If that fails, I guess I'll just have to spend more time working on much easier and less challenging things like finding the secret to immortality, the cure for all diseases, and the solution to world peace, all of which, I'm certain all are agreed, are much easier to solve than finding my mental stability.