During all the years I was in grade school and high school, I can’t remember ever reading ANY books during all those 12 years. The only exception to this was when I was a teenager in High School; I DID read a book called The Facts of Life and Love For Teenagers.  In fact, I read this book several times! It was one of “THOSE” books (very “toned down” of course.)   As far as we kids knew, this was the ONLY book about “sex” we kids were allowed to read and not be “over 21” and all the pictures of people in it didn’t have black rectangles over their eyes. Word spread among us teenage guys that such a book existed and we referred to it as “The Book”. I’m surprised that “The Book” didn’t get worn out. It’s a wonder it didn’t get worn out just from the many times I read it! The school probably had a standing order with the publisher to send a new one every few days in a “Plain Brown Wrapper”.  It was kept in the school library under the counter and you had to discreetly ask the school librarian in order to check it out of the library, when no girls were around, of course! I always asked for it when the library was empty all other kids and then when I got up enough nerve, nervously whisper to the librarian that I wanted to check out THAT book. I sure felt weird asking a lady for “That Book”, but I did anyway because my hormones were in overdrive! After a few occasions as I approached the counter she knew what I wanted and automatically took it out from under it, since that was the ONLY book I ever checked out of the school library.  I was always nervous about carrying it around school until I got home. I wished they would have had “a plain brown wrapper” for it. When I was in study hall, (now there’s a contradiction in terms for high school guys!), whenever I asked to go to the library (which was OFTEN) I always took at least 2 schoolbooks with me so I could put “The Book” in between them! This was in the days when open talk about sex was NEVER done except in the boy’s locker room when no teachers were around. Or for that matter ANYWHERE there were no teachers around! I’m sure you had to be a certain age before they would give you “The Book”, and not deny that they even had such a book. I wonder how they could find out how old you were since none of us had a driver’s licenses till our senior year? I not only read all of it every time I checked it out, but I also studied all the pictures. One of the legends and rumors among we high school boys was that Terry G. had a “Doctor Book” at home that had all kinds of pictures of “sex” and other pictures of certain forbidden things that made up the anatomy of girls (all the anatomy)! In spite of our 4 years of anxious waiting, he never brought it to school.  By then we figured he probably never had it to begin with and he just told us this so he would be popular and held in awe by all of us high school guys. (He was!) Terry G. never comes to any of our class reunions so I can’t ask him if he REALLY does have it and if he REALLY does, I’d ask him if I could borrow it now. This would be very risqué for me. Even when I was in the Navy, I never looked at any “dirty magazines” which was by choice even though there were plenty of them around everywhere. Airbrushed and retouched fantasy “Chick” pictures never did anything for me anyway. However, as an adult, I did check out Gray’s Anatomy from the library one time a few years ago, but I only looked at the pictures of things like livers and kidneys and DIDN’T go to the chapter on “The Reproductive System”.  (“Liar liar pants on fire”, that’s my conscience talking to me)  OK, Now it can be told, I DID look at the “Reproductive System Chapter”, but only the male anatomy sections. (Hmmm, I hear my conscience speaking again and its saying “Ditto”) Excuse me while I go dump some water on my pants. When ever people ask me if I’m still “hearing voices” (my psychiatrist always asks me this), I always say, “Don’t interrupt!”

 

In grade school, having never read any of the books for the minimum of 10 book reports, I just read the summary of the book on the back cover. If it didn’t have a summary (which it rarely had), I would just fake it on the written book reports. I did the same thing for the dreaded “oral book reports”. I’m sure glad that apparently none of my elementary teachers had ever read any of the books I did “Book Reports” on. I sure hope now that none of my old elementary teachers will ever stumble on my web site and find this out now. WOW! Would I ever be in trouble! I’d probably have to go the to children’s section of the library and read 10 books on stuff like Mike Milligan’s Steam Shovel and The Biggest Bear, etc. THEN submit to them a written Book Report, or worse yet give an ORAL book report to them! At least this time I’d actually read all 10 books.

 

Other “Forbidden Contraband” when I was in High School, were Cliff Notes. Since I never read any books in High School either (with the exception of “The Book”), I had a real problem with reports on the books because by that time all the High School teachers already knew what was in the books since they assigned the same books every year to each new class. I had found out about the infamous and forbidden Cliff Notes that everyone said really existed.  Although I was very skeptical of this, I found out one day that they actually did exist! Whenever I had to do a book report, I would go to Woolworth’s in Norwalk and buy the Cliff Notes on that particular book. With these miracle books, you never had to read any book for a report; you just used the summaries of each chapter. They had them in a black revolving wire rack in the back of the store. I guess even they knew they were “Forbidden Contraband” too. I would nervously scan over the black revolving wire rack and always be relieved when they had Cliff Notes on the very book I needed them for. (It’s too bad they don’t have any Cliff Notes on The Facts of Life and Love for Teenagers. (Over the years, I’ve looked on several occasions).  I always looked over my shoulder to make sure that there weren’t ANY teachers around the store or anyone I knew that would “squeal” on me. This seems to pertain only to girls. (They had “Cooties” too)!  I’d grab The Cliff Notes booklet on the relevant book and quickly walk up to the check out lady. I, of course, kept it in the bag until I got home, and even then I kept it in the bag and only took it out during the times I was actually using it. I never knew if I could trust my mother not to “squeal” on me to the teachers. After all, she was a girl! Of course no one EVER brought ANY Cliff Notes to school, since the covers on ALL the Cliff Notes were bright yellow with black stripes and were hard to keep concealed anywhere! I wondered if this was a conspiracy by the teacher’s union or something? I was always surprised that a bunch of teachers never got together, got some dynamite, and blew up the place where they made Cliff Notes! This never happened because the Cliff Note people probably gave a phony address on the back of the books. They’re probably made on some remote uncharted well-guarded island off the coast of Borneo. I doubt they even have Cliff Notes these days because any kid can go on the Internet and download a complete report on anything.  

 

When I got to college and grad school I finally acquired an appreciation for reading books and not just look at all the pictures. I couldn’t find any Cliff Notes on those particular books anyway so I had no choice but to read them all the way through.  Also NONE of the books I had to read had any pictures in them either.  In fact, since then (which has been 32 years), I’ve always been a prolific reader. Out of the literally hundreds (probably thousands) of books I’ve read since then, only 6 have been fiction. All the rest have been nonfiction. I love books so much that I even married a Library Director! (REALLY!) The one advantage of this is when I FINALLY get enough nerve to go to the library to ask my wife for “The Book” from under their counter, (after hours and discreetly of course!); I won’t have to check it out since I don’t want a “paper trail”. I will check out at least two other books to put “The Book” in between, and THIS time I’ll bring a “Plain Brown” Grocery bag with me! When I finally get home (my wife and I in separate vehicles of course, since we were in the library after hours), so no one will get suspicious that I have “The Book”), I’ll not only look at all the pictures again, but read it for the umpteenth time! Right after I get “The Book”, with my wife abetting me in this caper, as long as I’m living dangerously I think I’ll look up Terry G.’s phone number, and hopefully finally get his “Doctor Book”!  Wish me luck!!!! I’ll only read the chapters about livers and kidneys. (Oh Oh, my conscience is speaking to me AGAIN!) Well, back to the kitchen to get more water!!!!