Over the years for as long as I can remember, I have always been around animals of various and sundry types. For example, from "kid hood" until now, among some of the animals we had as pets were/are:  dogs, cats, horses, cattle, skunks, rabbits, red tail hawks, turtles, parakeets, canaries, Java Temple birds, sparrows, crows, sheep, frogs, toads, fish, chickens, ducks, turkeys, raccoons, pheasants, peacocks, crows, white mice, white rats, hamsters, gerbils,  skunks, snakes, deer, etc., etc. Well, you get the idea. For all practical intents and purposes, if it was from the animal kingdom and was indigenous to northern Ohio, we probably had one as a pet at one time or another.

 

At the present time, I have cats and horses as pets. There are 2 house cats and today as of this date, 15 barn cats. The barn cat population continually increases due to an evasive, handsome, swinging black and white tomcat that keeps seducing all of my female barn cats. I've named him "Hugh Hefner".

 

Numbered among one of my most unusual pets, were clams. We used to catch these while we were swimming in Burnham's pond. Well, maybe "catching" a clam isn't the right word. It was more like picking them up, since clams are not known for their blazing speed. We used to walk along the bottom of the pond in our bare feet until we felt a smooth slightly elevated object in the mud. That meant there was a clam under our foot. We would pick it up and most of the time would just toss it back into the water. At times, if we found several clams, we would have a "clam fight" by tossing them at each other. On one particular occasion, I suddenly attained the desire to have one as a pet. I took one home and put it into a small aquarium. I named it Clarence the Clam. I did not know for sure if "Clarence" was a male clam or not. Heck, how can you tell? I wasn't sure what clams ate. I had never been able to locate any Purina Clam Chow. Before it went up to the "Big Clam Chowder Bowl in the Sky", I used to play around with it to give it some attention. Unfortunately, as much as I tried to emotionally bond with him, he never did "open up" to me.  I figured he was very bored, just lying on the bottom of the aquarium. At times, I thought Clarence needed some exercise and a change of scenery, so I would loop a piece of string around him and make a leash and take him for a "walk". Actually, it was more like taking him for a "drag". I'd drag him along the ground for a while. I had to be very cautious about crossing the road with him since the pavement could have caused his shell to wear through. I hestitated to pick Clarence up to cross the road because I didn't want people to think I was eccentric. Of course, I didn't realize it then, but it would have looked a whole lot less odd to carry Clarence across the road than to drag him!  Eventually, I taught Clarence some tricks. For example, while I was taking him on his morning "drag", I would start running and when he hit a rock, he would roll over and even fly. I also taught him how to "lie down" and "play dead." Of all the pets I have ever had, I must say that Clarence was the easiest to train. Obviously, clams are very intelligent creatures indeed.

 

All of our pets in those days were animate, i.e. living and breathing creatures. During the 1970's, a new fad came along that sold inanimate "pets". Those of us who are older will remember the "Pet Rock" craze. Boy was that ever a crazy thing, selling rocks to people! That is almost as crazy as selling bottled "spring" water for a dollar a bottle. It has been proven many times that most of the "spring" water is just ordinary tap water. I, of course, knew this years ago, long before the expose'. Hence, I have never and will never buy any bottle of "natural spring" water. I'm sure the people who sell all the bottled "spring" water (i.e. tap water) are getting rich. It's probably the same people who sold pet rocks.

 

At the present time, since I'm convinced that the general public will buy anything if it's "trendy", I have come up with a brilliant idea of how to supplement my meager retirement income. I am planning to start the inanimate "pet" craze again since what goes around comes around. I am planning to market "Pet Pens". In the picture below, you can see my proto type "Pet Pen". I call it "Penelope The Pet Pen". I figure I can sell thousands of them since all the pet rocks from the 1970s have either died or rolled away from lack of attention by their owners. I'm already looking for a manufacturing facility in Penfield Junction, OH. I'm also going to sell "Pet" Pen food for one's new "Pet" Pen. It will be jars of Penfield Hot Sausage. For a beverage, it will be ink in small disposable packets.

 

My "Pet" Pens will be marketed to all races of people. For example:

For American Indians and communists/democrats, there will be "Pet" Pens full of red ink.

For black people; black ink.

For people with depression; blue ink.

For envious people; green ink.

For gays; pink ink.

For cowards; yellow ink.

For KKK members; white ink.

For one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eaters; purple ink. (You have to be over 50 years old to understand this one).

 

Another facet of my marketing plan for my "Pet" Pens will be an optional purchase of an inkpad, so your "Pet" Pen will have its own place to live in.

 

If my "Pet" Pen enterprise is successful, my long-range plan is to sell "Pet" Pencils as well. I'm going to have them manufactured in China, which will assure me that they will contain a lot of lead. I plan to do experimental marketing somewhere in Pennsylvania.

 

I hope all my faithful fans, story readers, and various and sundry interlopers to my web site; will support me in my new auspicious endeavor. In the unlikely event my future "Pet" Pen and "Pet" Pencil enterprises fail, I can definitely be very successful with selling "Pet" Peeves. I have an unlimited supply of these!