Now I'm sure it would come as a great shock to you if I mentioned that I was very familiar with various kinds of paddles when I was in school, and I don't mean the types that propel canoes. Yes, it is shocking but true! Oh the shame of it! On several instances, I was unfortunately the recipient of an actual "hands on" use of the various paddle types.  I could give many accounts of this "hands on" approach, but I shall give just a very few of the many examples. Perhaps the most bizarre example is when I was in the 7^th grade. During Jr. High, when someone was marked for a paddling, both the teacher i.e. the "paddler" and the poor unfortunate kid i.e. the "paddlee" went up to a small room at the top of a set of old wooden stairs with a wooden railing. At the top of the stairs was a small room that was always referred to as the "radio room". I never sought an explanation as to why the room was called the "radio room". At any rate, this actually was the "paddling room" as far as we were concerned. If any of us "goofed up", the teacher would say to us, "Alright, up to the "radio room!" I had more than a few journeys up to the dreaded "radio room" myself. Yeah, I always deserved it, EXCEPT in one instance, I don't believe I merited a trip up there. Whenever any kid was sent up there, the teacher would deliberately wait for a long time before finally sauntering up there to deliver the stinging swings. I guess that was to give us a chance to "think over" the horribleness of our transgressions and thus result in immediate repentance. In reality, I'm convinced it was a form of mental torcher to mess with the minds of young adolescent boys. Hey, something just occurred to me. Never in all of my 12 years of school do I recall a girl ever being paddled. On the other hand, I sure remember a lot of us guys getting whacked! Whenever one of our Jr. High teachers would say to some perpetrator, "Alright, up to the "radio room", all the rest of us "innocent" kids would try to get a look at the action and to see who was up there this time. The "radio room" stairs were in front of our 7^th grade classroom, which gave us a clear view of any kid heading up the stairs to the "paddling room".  Due to the acoustics, the whacks caused big echoes throughout that part of the building. On one occasion, the other 7^th grade teacher, Mr. Clemons, sent some kid up there. Those of us in Mr. Cranston's 7^th grade room saw who it was and waited for Mr. Clemons get up the stairs. After Mr. Clemons entered the "radio room', several of us guys were sharpening our pencils at the pencil sharpener at the front of the room, which gave us a clear view of the radio room window. When it was my turn, I stuck my "pencil" in the pencil sharpener and was looking up at the window to see the "action". I was too busy looking up there to pay any attention to my sharpening subterfuge. As I started to crank the pencil sharper handle, it made a grinding noise that caught the attention of Mr. Cranston. It was then, much to my horror that I realized that I was trying to sharpen a plastic pen that I had inadvertently grabbed as I headed for the pencil sharpener!  When he saw what I had, he said to me, "You get up there too!" Well, this time my curiosity had dire consequences since he gave me some whacks for being "nosey"! Even after 47 years, I can still vividly recall the scene and the terror I felt after noticing the pen in the sharpener!  Over the years as I have orally related this account to others, the common comment is, "That could only happen to you, Mike!" Indeed!

 

Now I come to another weird paddling situation. Since they wouldn't consider allowing both Tim and I in the same class, even though I also wanted to be in the FFA class, they told me I'd have to take Industrial Arts instead. The school officials had learned their lesson well 11 years earlier when for the first and last time we were both were in the same classroom in the first grade. Our Industrial Arts teacher was Mr. Gaich. Since those were the days of being paddled for various acts of mischief, Mr. Gaich certainly was no acceptation. After we guys kept acting up in shop class, Mr. Gaich made a "no talking rule" while we were working on our shop projects. It was very easy to forget this prohibition. Consequently, anyone caught talking was subject to paddling. Since I was a nonstop talker in those days, I was often in trouble and consequently 99% of the paddlings I received were for unauthorized talking. Since it was shop class, when we were guilty of a paddling offence, a rather interesting thing ensued. When we were caught talking by Mr. Gaich, he first told us to design our own paddle. He would then have to approve our construction plans, then we commenced to making our own paddle! Since we were all familiar with the laws of aerodynamics, we made our paddles as wide as we could and with no holes which would result in as much air resistance as possible and thus prevent the paddle from attaining a higher velocity. When we finished our custom-made paddle, we had to give it to Mr. Gaich for immediate carrying out of our plight. It was the height of irony that we got whacked with a paddle of our own design and construction!

 

On one occasion, Gary H. used the laws of aerodynamics to his own apparent advantage. His paddle design was extremely wide in order to better spread the blows and to slow down the paddle velocity due to air resistance. We were all both puzzled and overjoyed when Mr. Gaich actually approved his paddle plans! We figured that we would make our future paddle designs extremely wide too! When Gary finished his approved paddle construction, the supreme moment arrived. Gary had a smug look and figured that it wouldn't hurt very much at all due to his brilliant design. Unfortunately, Mr. Gaich was also familiar with the laws of aerodynamics. As he drew back as far as he could with his paddle-laden arms, he shifted the wide paddle sideways and just before he landed the fatal blow on the target, at the last split second he rotated the paddle vertically and BLAM! According to Gary, the blows really stung due to Mr. Gaich's unexpected method of gaining a much higher velocity! Well, so much for our overly wide paddle theory. After this, all of us realized that teachers aren't as dumb as we thought they were! Well, there were some exceptions with certain other teachers that we used to our advantage, but this is a subject for future stories. For several years after I graduated from High School, I always amazed people by how I could sit on a horse or a motorcycle for such long periods of time with no apparent discomfort. One person stated that I must have big callouses on my rear. Well, yes I did, but not from saddles or motorcycle seats!

 

All right, here comes my inevitable corny ending. Where do paddles always sit in a room? (In the "rear").  What kind of music do paddles listen to? ("Swing"). Why did the paddle end up in trouble with a collection agency? (Because it was in ar"rears".) What do you do with a canoe that has misbehaved? (Paddle it.) How did the police finally capture the fugitive paddle? (In a "sting" operation.)  Where do replicas of famous paddles end up? (In a "whacks" museum.) What famous past style did paddles start? ("Hot Pants".) What favorite treats do paddles serve on their birthdays? (Ice cream and "ache"). Heh Heh, as usual by reading my stories, you have become the "butt" of some bad puns.