As I was surfing the Berlin Heights web site villageofberlinheights.com, I noticed that our local school has a school psychologist on the staff. I'm sure glad they didn't have one when I was in school, back in... On second thought, never mind. I don't want to think how long it's been! L  For anyone who knows me, if we had had a school psychologist, I would have kept him busy full time. In fact, I would have been in his office a whole lot more than in the classroom. He would have told me that all of my problems were all in my head, (which is where all behavior originates anyway!) I'm sure that the school psychologist would have had a reason why we did anything.

For instance, I, among several others of my guy classmates, received many paddlings through out our school years. I'm sure that the psychologist would have told us that we no doubt had latent masochistic tendencies. Hey, maybe they did, but not me! I have had a life long very low pain tolerance. For example, when I go to my dentist she always asks me if I need Novocain. I always say, "It's either that or you can scrap me off the ceiling the first time you get within an inch of any of my teeth with your drill! I then follow with my usual disclaimer of stating that I had a Top Secret Clearance in the Navy and it was a good thing I was never captured by the Communist (our real enemies both then and now). All they would have had to do was to inflict any kind of pain and I would have "sung like a canary" and told them anything they wanted to know.

 

Along with quite a few paddling incidents through out school, it seemed that I always had detention most every day after school. The school psychologist would no doubt have interpreted this to mean that subconsciously, I loved school so much that I didn't want to go home right after school let out. Actually, it was because I was caught goofing around in class. By the way, detention wasn't all that bad for us guys. We had a lot of fun when the teacher who had detention duty that day was out of the room. Even if we were caught goofing around during detention, what were they going to do, give us detention. We were already on detention. Heh heh, we got them on that one. Detention was only used for goofing off in High School. In elementary school, we usually had to stand in the corner or in front of one of the classroom walls. Some teachers would draw a circle on the wall and you had to put your nose right against the wall in the circle. No wonder I'm near sighted to this day! The school psychologist, if we would have had one, would certainly interpret that action of a longing to be isolated from others because of a problem with interacting with peers. Heck, it was a result of me just goofing around in class and being caught; it was that simple and was in no way connected to my failure to interact with my peers. That was caused by other factors.

 

One of the most serious transgressions in grade school, second only to talking in class, was chewing gum in class. If we got caught chewing gum in class, the usual consequence was that we had to stick the wad of gum on our nose for the rest of the day. I can just see the school psychologist interpreting this to mean that we had latent desires to be different from our classmates due to our subconscious need to get attention. Heck, I didn't need to wear a wad of gum on my nose to get attention; I was already different without wearing one! Another diagnoses would surely have been was that we had overt oral tendencies and chewing gum satisfied these needs. In addition to chewing gum to meet this need, I found that chewing paper spit wads accomplished the same thing to satisfy my oral needs. In addition, it was fun to toss the paper spit wads at girls or throw them up and hoped that they stuck on the ceiling of our class room, which was much better than wearing gum on my nose. Judging from the number of spit wads stuck on the ceiling of every classroom I was in, I sure had a whole lot of oral needs! I imagine that kids who chewed on pencils in school were also attempting to fulfill their oral needs. It would be interesting to do a study of them as adults, but unfortunately, all of them are dead as a result of lead poisoning.

 

The school psychologist, after observing my behavior, would have no doubt concluded that the outcome of all of my "psychological" problems was the result that I never took anything in life seriously. Well, I must admit that at least in that one area he would have been absolutely correct. One of my majors in college was Psychology. The only reason I majored in this was to try to figure myself out. Like all the psychiatrist I've seen over the years, I failed to figure out myself and so did they. I have always been told by every psychiatrist and all others that I am uniquely unique which pleases me very much. When they made me, they threw away the mold and beat up the mold maker. However, based on all the psychological studies I did in college, I came to one definitive diagnoses of my entire public school experience and all the goofy things I did. My final diagnosis: All the goofy things all of us guys including myself did were perfectly normal for young boys. Therefore, since I did the same things, (and a bunch more things unique to myself), compared to all others I was indeed normal! (Or was I???)

 

As a special bonus to my loyal fans, I offer the following bits of wisdom I've observed over the years stated in my own exclusive sayings you will only hear me say. Perhaps my first saying will illustrate this point:

 

"The test of true originality is that you never copy from other people; they copy from you"

 

"Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional"

 

"In life change is inevitable, except from a vending machine"

 

"Ah, retirement, when every day is a Saturday, every night is a Friday night, and every day is a holiday and every holiday is just another day"

 

"Beauty is not virtue, but virtue is beauty, unless you are on a blind date"

 

"If you always choose to use improper English and are afraid to talk to intelligent and educated people because they will wonder if you're an idiot because you never talk, it's better to remain silent than to say anything and remove all doubt"

 

"If any Gun Grabbin' liberals ever try to take my gun out of my hands, I'll have only one thing to say to them... THE SAFETY IS OFF!"

 

"As an adult you have no choice but to face life and take responsibly. If all else fails, call in sick"

 

"The only phone number people should ever dial on their cell phones while driving is 911"

 

"Never get any gas from a gas station that sells pine tree air fresheners that hang from your rear view mirror"

 

"If you think Communism is dead, then you will be dead"

 

"Do not purchase any meat from a store that has had no electricity for over one week"

 

"To thine own self be true, unless you're filling out your income tax forms or a job resume"

 

"Why should you take yourself so seriously, no one else does"

 

"You might  as well be yourself because no one else would want to be you"

 

"If someone has to use profanity and four letter words to make their point, then there is no point in listening"

 

"The only set of footprints on the dusty road to individuality should be your own"

 

"Never sleep in the same bed with a dog and cat that don't get along"

 

"Never read any of my stories on an empty stomach or a full one"

 

"It is a sign of great character and courage to keep marching to the beat of your own drum when you are off key and out of step with the rest of the band because they all have the wrong music sheets"

 

"Never trust your car to a mechanic who has less than 10 teeth"

 

"Not all people with low I.Q.s are liberals, but all liberals have low I.'Q.s"

 

"Only become a Democrat if your parents are not married"

 

"People who type messages in online forums using all lower case letters all have lower case minds"

 

"Always show compassion and understanding to all the other people in the world who are not perfect like you think you are"

 

"I'm not much but I'm all I've got"

 

"Always follow the old paths because no grass will grow under your feet and you will always get to the right destination"

 

"It's very difficult but mandatory to maintain an open mind around people with a closed mind"

 

"Always be true to yourself even if others lie about you"

 

"Hey Mike, do you still hear voices in your head"? "Don't interrupt!"

 

"Always following the crowd prevents you from following your courage and individuality"

 

"The main cause of divorce is marriage"

 

"This is my world, the rest of you just happen to be living in it"

 

The most dreaded and horrifying email subject on earth: "Another New Story!"