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Recently I received a phone call from my phone
provider, Verizon. They were hawking their latest and greatest package deal
which includes unlimited long distance calling anywhere in the country for one
monthly low flat rate. It was cheaper than what I'm paying now, so I signed up
for it. It also includes all of the U.S. possessions. Since the rate is so low even for U.S.
possessions, I'm going to have to make friends in American Samoa, Guam,
Marshall Islands, Federated States of Micronesia, Northern Marianas, Palau,
Puerto Rico, and U.S. Virgin Islands.
Hmmm, well maybe not the Virgin Islands since it is probably only populated
with nuns and ugly women. I wish I could also make friends in Panama so I could
call in orders to buy Panama hats wholesale. Unfortunately, it is no longer a
U.S. possession since President Carter gave it away to the Commies in the late
1970's. Brilliant move Jimmie! Of course, these days calling and receiving long
distance phone calls are routine and we think nothing of it. When I was a kid,
a long distance phone call was a big deal! It was expensive and the price
really rose if you talked over 3 minutes. Most people used an egg timer so they
wouldn't go over 3 minutes. Since I like my poached eggs with hard yolks, I was
really pushing the envelope on 3-minute long distance calls. In those days, you
could not just direct dial with 1-###-###-####. You had to go through the
operator for any long distance call. In those days, any call outside your own
town was long distance. I remember calling my grandmother in Norwalk and we dialed
"0" to get the operator, and then told her what town and number we
were calling and she completed the call. I remember hearing her dial the
number. When my grandmother would answer, I could hear the operator say, "Long distance from Berlin
Heights". Of course, we had to talk fast for any call so we wouldn't
go over the dreaded 3 minutes. I think that's one reason I still talk fast on
the phone to this day. On rare occasions, one of us kids would be allowed to
call long distance! It was always only
to our grandmother Arlie in Norwalk. For example, a typical conversion in a
long distance call to my grandmother would sound like this: "HigrammahowareyouthisisMikeIwouldliketocomeandvisityou
thisSaturdayOK?bye" I talked faster than any living or dead
auctioneer. I would nervously watch my mom or dad as they stood by me watching
the second hand of the old kitchen clock that stood on the ledge over the front
window. After I hung up the phone, which was so fast it was blurred, they would
nod approvingly. Ah, 2 minutes and 57 seconds to spare! We would then
immediately GET a long distance call which was my grandmother calling back to
say it would be alright for me to come and visit her in Norwalk next Saturday (since
I never gave her a chance to answer my inquiry). Whenever she called us, she
spoke normally and slowly because her egg timer probably ran slower than the
second hand of our kitchen clock. Whenever we would get a long distance call, we all had to keep quiet. After answering the
phone, my mom or dad would yell, "QUIET!
IT'S LONG DISTANCE!" If the call happened to be for someone else in
the family, the one that answered it would yell it's for you, "QUICK! HURRY! IT'S LONG DISTANCE"!!!!!!
99.999% of the time, the long distance call was for our mother, father,
Uncle Ned, or our live in Grandmother Ollie. In those days in the extremely
rare times one of us kids would receive a long distance call (only from our
grandmother Arlie), we felt really important! It was a rare occasion just like
one of us kids getting a letter in the mail addressed to US! Now days I'm not
at all excited about getting something in the mail that's addressed to ME since
it's almost always a bill. Moreover, since when do some people that send mail
to me think my name is "Resident"? It's such a contrast today calling long distance with
the unlimited flat rate. I just called an old Navy buddy last night who lives
in Buffalo, NY and we talked what seemed like hours. It was so good not having
to worry about going over the infamous 3-minute limit. In fact, I haven't owned
an egg timer or a clock with a second hand for over 20 years! It's also very convenient these days to direct dial a
number and not have to go through the operator to make a long distance call! Unfortunately,
these days every operator or technical support person is calling from
India. I have nothing whatsoever against Asians, but they talk so fast with
that heavy accent that I can't understand them. It's a good thing for 800
numbers, because their long distance phone bill would be very high from me
asking them to repeat everything. No doubt, their long distance phone costs
from the length of time for just me trying to understand them would be
roughly equal the Gross National Product of Outer Mongolia. If I happen to have
an additional tech support question, the total cost to them would also include
the GNP of Inner Mongolia too. Another very aggravating thing these days is when
calling any business. Instead of getting a real live receptionist like
you used to in the past, you get a computer-generated voice. For example, Thank you for calling the Acme Paper Clip
Benders Corporation of Possum Breath
Utah. Your call is important to us as
a valued customer. For the coffee room please press ###81#. For the janitor's
lounge please press #***#72. For the ladies powder room please press*74*##91#.
For the trash collector on duty please press 6942#***. For the parking lot attendant
please press 4442####**. For the
shoe shine boy please press ##**0032**. For the cleaning lady please press
***7##95**#. This menu will repeat in 2 seconds. If you would like to speak to
one of our representatives please press #*421****... We're sorry, all of our representatives
are busy at the moment, please hold... (2 hours of weird New Age music) "Click"
Heello, theese es Basiatucimi in Calcutta Endia. Hew mey I heeep yew... Another aggravation are those businesses that have those
goofy voice recognition computers. For example, Hello, thank you for calling The American Association for the
Prevention of Impersonal Computers Taking the Place of Real People
Incorporated. Your business is very important to us and you are a valued
customer. Please state with whom you would like to speak to... Mister
Zuzzsinastawitz... I'm sorry, I didn't recognize your word. Please try again.
Mister Zuzzsinastawitz... I'm sorry, I didn't recognize your word. Please try
again...( then how about), Mister Smith... I'm sorry, I didn't recognize your
word Please try again... Mister... ( An ill timed sneeze) ACHOO....... Heelo, Meester
Aah Cheoo speeking from Sacred Cow Endia, how mey I heep you... You know, come to think of it, I long for the old days
of just dialing "0" for a real live operator from Any Town, USA and
watching an egg timer or the second hand of a clock in the kitchen! |
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