| THIS TOOK PLACE WHEN I WAS "OLDER" (NOT NECESSARILY WISER)! I MENTIONED IN ANOTHER STORY THAT I HAVE ONLY BEEN DRUNK 2 TIMES IN MY LIFE (HONEST)! THIS IS THE 2ND ACCOUNT OF MY MISERABLE CROP FAILURE FROM SOWING "WILD OATS". I'M JUST N0T CUT OUT FOR THE WILD LIFE SINCE I WAS "BORN TO BE MILD" (MY APOLOGIES TO STEPPENWOLF) THIS TOOK PLACE WHEN I WAS STILL MARRIED. IT'S NOT A WONDER MY EX-WIFE DIDN'T DRIVE ME TO DRINK, RATHER IT'S A WONDER THAT I DIDN'T DRIVE HER TO DRINK! ANYWAY, SHE HAD HAD ENOUGH OF ME AND WENT TO MICHIGAN TO STAY WITH HER SISTER FOR A FEW DAYS SO I FIGURED THIS WOULD BE A GREAT TIME TO "GET DRUNK" AND "DROWN MY SORROWS". I LAID IN BED THAT NIGHT WITH MY FAITHFUL DOG (WHO NEVER HAD ENOUGH OF ME), AND PLOTTED MY 1ST ADULT DRINKING SPREE! (I WAS IN MY EARLY 30'S BEAR IN MIND). ON THE WAY BACK FROM WORK I STOPPED AT AN OUT OF THE WAY DRIVE-THRU (SINCE I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE WHO KNEW ME TO SEE ME AND THINK I'D TURNED INTO A "LOW-LIFE" SINCE I'M VERY CONSERVATIVE IN MY LIFE-STYLE AND BEHAVIOR), AND AS SOON AS I WAS WAITED ON I RECITED JUST LIKE "TOAD" DID IN AMERICAN GRAFFITI (AS I HAD PLANNED). I SAID I'D LIKE A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS, A QUART OF MILK, A SIX PACK OF "BUD"... A... THE LADY INTERUPTED AT THAT POINT AND ASKED IF I WANTED BOTTLES OR CANS! I FROZE (SINCE I HAD NOT ANTICIPATED THAT IN MY PREVIOUS NIGHT'S PLAN), FINALLY I NERVOUSLY BLURTED OUT, "ERRRRR AHHH ERRRR, UMMM- CANS!" UPON GETTING MY "STUFF", I QUICKLY PUT THE BAG ON THE CAR FLOOR BEHIND THE FRONT SEAT. WHEN I GOT HOME, I CAREFULLY, BUT APPEARING "NATURAL", CARRIED THE TIGHTLY TWISTED-TOPPED BAG INTO THE HOUSE. I LOCKED THE DOORS (IN CASE AFTER I WAS "PLASTERED" AND "FEELING GOOD" WHILE FORGETTING ALL MY PRESENT PROBLEMS AND SORROWS), WOULD HAPPEN TO STAGGER OUTSIDE AND HAVE SOMEONE SEE ME! AFTER RECONNING THE INSIDE OF THE HOUSE AND MAKING SURE THE WIFE WAS TRULY GONE, I NERVOUSLY OPENED UP THE SIX PACK OF CANS AND VERY MASCULINELY OPENED THE 1ST CAN AND WOLVED IT RIGHT DOWN WHILE GOING "YUUUUCH" (IT TASTED TERRIBLE)! I THEN REPEATED THIS WITH THE NEXT 2 CANS! RIGHT AFTER THE 3RD CAN, I STOPPED TO SEE IF I WAS "FEELING GOOD" YET. AFTER A MINUTE OR 2 I HEARD AND FELT A RUMBLING IN MY STOMACH, THEN SUDDENLY FELT VERY NAUSEAOUS AND THEN I COULD FEEL IT STARTING TO COME UP. I HELD MY HAND OVER MY MOUTH, BUT TO NO AVAIL! JUST AS I STARTED FOR THE BATHROOM, MY HAND BLEW OFF MY MOUTH AND I LAID A "FOAM TRAIL" FROM THE SPOT I WAS SITTING AT ALL THE WAY TO THE BATHROOM! AFTER A SEEMINGLY ENDLESS TIME OF FEELING LIKE A SHAVING CREAM CAN WITH THE VALVE STUCK OPEN, I WENT OUT TO GRAB A MOP AND IMMEDIATELY CLEAN UP THE EVIDENCE. I THEN THOUGHT TO MYSELF THAT WHATEVER GETTING DRUNK IS SUPPOSED TO DO FOR YOU, IT SURE DIDN'T WORK FOR ME! I THEN TOOK THE 3 EMPTY CANS AND THE 3 REMAINING UPOPENED ONES WITH THE BOX AND EVERY SCRAP OF PAPER EVIDENCE AND PUT IT ALL IN A BROWN PAPER BAG INCLUDING THE RECIEPT (I THOUGHT OF THAT TOO!) AND PUT IT IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR AND LOCKED IT SO I COULD DISPOSE OF ALL THE EVIDENCE IN THE FAR DUMPSTER AT ANOTHER COUNTY OFFICE (NOT THE ONE I WORKED IN)! EVER SINCE THAT TIME, I'VE LEARNED TO "LIVE WITH MY PAIN AND SORROWS" SINCE IT'S FAR BETTER THAN HAVING JUST PAIN AND SORROWS PLUS BEING DEATHLY SICK TOO!!!!! :-) |
