I just spent the better part of this afternoon hoeing pumpkin plants in the field in front of my house. I guess you could say that I spent the whole afternoon with a "hoe" and having a "hoe" down. In a few months, the front of my house will look like a cyclone hit a pumpkin factory or Halloween run amok. The field is about 1 acre, so I'm planning to spend the better part of several afternoons cutting down weeds in the flower of their youth. I enjoy messing with the lives of weeds, since they mess with mine so much. Over the years, I've gotten very handy with a hoe, which will come in handy in the event a vigilante mob of weeds tries to seek revenge and attacks me.

 

Since childhood, there have been 2 tasks that allow me to do some deep thinking and reflecting on the mysteries of life. The first is doing farm work on a tractor in the fields, and the other is hoeing weeds. While on the tractor, I put the tractor in gear and my mind in neutral and just let the thoughts and ideas flow. When I was a teenager while on the tractor or hoeing, I always thought about raw sex. Now at my age the valve to my empty hormone supply tank is closed and welded shut, which allows me to dwell on more constructive thoughts relative to reality. I believe that reality is for those who can't handle fantasy. In addition, one of the main reasons I am still able to contemplate the deep philosophical issues of life is that whenever I go outside, my ears don't suddenly sprout earphones, and my hip doesn't have an MP3 player suddenly materialize out of nowhere. It's impossible for anyone to do any deep thinking with extremely loud African based "music" emanating from their ubiquitous MP3 players that I see attached to every kid these days, that is, if they are not temporally interrupted by an "important" call on their cell phones.

 

While hoeing this afternoon and contemplating the profound subject of life in general, I remembered that when I was a kid we had a hand cultivator for the garden in order to forcibly remove weeds. I haven't seen one of these since then. They may be still made and sold, but I've never seen any over the last several years. The one we had consisted of wooden handles and a big metal wheel with metal spokes. Of course, if I did manage to find one these days, it would be the product of some Chinese sweatshop consisting of all cheap thin plastic with several yellow warning stickers plastered all over it and a totally useless instruction manual written in at least 3 languages.

 

We have a Farmall Cub tractor with which we can cultivate all the "truck" crops. It works great with no effort other than to be ever vigilant that one doesn't fall off the driver's seat while in deep profound thought. The only problem with it is that it can't get either the between or close to the plants.  "That's when I go to work, I carry a hoe. It was warm in Los Angles... errrr Berlin Heights..." Oh, wait a minute; I'm confusing this with Jack Webb in Dragnet. Hey, what do you want from me! The sun baked my brain this afternoon. This excuse has always worked very well for me at least until winter sets in.

 

The one big handicap I have always had when it comes to hoeing is that all the hoes I've ever used were all for right handed people and I'm left handed. It does indeed cause an awkward situation, but I have somewhat overcome it over the years, notwithstanding with some difficulty. Some day I'm going to find a manufacturer that makes left-handed hoes. I've always had the same problem with right handed shovels, pool cue sticks, tile probes, pens, pencils, spoons, forks, knifes, hammers,  baseball bats, etc. etc. ad infinitum... I'm surprised that people like Lefty Grove haven't sued the manufacturers of right hand only products. I am convinced it is a Communist Conspiracy. Communists are all right handed no doubt.

 

As kids, we often (involuntarily) helped our Aunt Lou work in the garden. Along with the cool hand push cultivator, we also had a small claw cultivator with a short handle, which was held in the hand and had to be used on your hands and knees. Of course, it gave me great difficulty since it too was for right-handed people. I always preferred the hand push cultivator. After the garden was plowed and disked and before it was planted, Tim and I used to take the hand push cultivator and run as fast as we could then push down and when the cultivator teeth engaged the soil they would send great amounts of soil flying out great distances on each side. It looked somewhat like Charleston Heston in the movie The Bible splitting the Red Sea, but in fast motion. I've seen the movie, but like the Book better.

 

I've often contemplated, usually while hoeing, the possibility of my inventing a herbicide that would permently sterilize the soil, killing all the weed seeds resulting in a permanent

totally weed free garden or field. Another side benefit would be that hospitals could use my herbicide spray to sterilize soil and bring it into operating rooms so they could stand on a thick layer of soil while operating which would be much more comfortable than standing on a hard floor during long operations.  The uses are endless. If I could invent such a thing, I would be so rich, that I would make Bill Gates look like a pauper. I could even design a custom made hoe with a diamond studded handle and the blade of pure 14 karat gold. This, of course, would be permanently displayed over my fireplace since I would never need to hoe anything again. Incidentally, since I would have it custom made, it would be a left handed hoe as well.

 

Ever since childhood, I have pondered a real mystery. All beneficial plants have natural insect and diseases always attacking them. Why don't weeds? Have any of you ever noticed that or is it only me?

 

Well, so much for now. I'm going to get to work tonight on inventing  my weed free soil sterilization herbicide so maybe I won't have to hoe at all tomorrow, or ever, which will allow me to devote more time to writing stories. Certainly all of you would rather read my stories than have to go out and and hoe your gardens. You would, wouldn't you????? Hummm, for some reason the phrase that Jack Nicholson yelled at Tom Cruise in the movie A Few Good Men, suddenly comes to mind. "The truth! You can't handle the truth!" It's very strange the things that suddenly pop into your mind that have absolutely nothing to do with what you are doing or thinking at the moment. Oh, well, we all have had that happen during our lives and surely it's not an experience peculiar to just me. Right? Right???? Please tell me I'm right!!!!!!!!!!!